Perfetto Day

Very rarely do I experience a day so close to perfect as this.

Today, my friend Joe and I decided to take a little day trip and go somewhere I've heard about but have never visited: Goldendale, WA, where a replica of Stonehenge and a museum of art stand.

It's a beautiful drive. These wind turbines are clustered across the land, adding something interesting to look at while you're tooling along. Make sure you roll down the window and get the wind in your hair while you check out the Columbia River and the beauty of the sunlight dancing over the water.

The Stonehenge replica is a war monument dedicated to those of the county who died serving in World War I. I don't know about the other tourists, but I could sense the sacredness of the place, the ground made holy by human hands, the deaths caused by war and the ancient knowledge of those who watched the sky and the stars invoked to create a lasting memorial.

When you stand outside the ring of stones you feel like the normal outsider, the tourist here to see the American copy of what was made so long ago. But when you walk into the ring, you suddenly become a part of a cycle that has been in motion since we humans looked up and suddenly realized that we could see the divine.

Joe made the comment that there was no trash around; even the teenagers had seemed to withhold their normal disrespect. This was, of course, before we found the graffiti. But even the tagging is accepted as part of the memorial as a matter of course--the dishonor of youth that will be slowly washed away by age, time and nature.

They still leave flowers in this enormous tribute to the dead.

Just me tring to be artistic.

Joe and I showed our respect, and I was happy that I'd finally been able to come see something I've wanted to for such a long time. Aside from beginning the day at IHOP with strawberry pancakes, visiting Stonehenge was the start of that rare, damn-near-perfect day.

The drive during the three miles separating Stonehenge from the Maryhill Museum of Art is pretty.

But the chateau-style mansion/museum is prettier.

Not nearly as pretty as I am, but still pretty.

Anyway, the museum is definitely worth the trip. It holds art by Augustine Rodin and features lots of furniture, jewelry and various other extras once owned by European royalty as well as modern sculptures and, surprisingly, a bunch of comic book art created by Pacific Northwest artists.

It was Joe's idea! Upstairs is an exhibit that features fashion and theatre. They had these cut-out dresses. Of course we were going to pose with them.

We tried to go a little further down the highway to see what else we might have missed, but since we aren't wine drinkers and aren't particularly interested in the Maryhill Winery, we felt like just heading back to the Tri-Cities.

We weren't quite hungry when we started chatting about where we would have dinner tonight, but I told him that I didn't want to go to any of the spots I'd been in the last few months. "Surprise me," I said.

And he did.

In downtown Kennewick on 1st Avenue is a house/business that I'd always known as a limo service. It is no longer a limo service. It is Little Italy recreated in Carmine's image in Tri-Cities, America.

It's a very small family-run restaurant where you have to reserve a table or hope to get lucky with one of the tables they reserve for walk-in customers. It serves one meal per day--today was rigatoni--and they serve it to you in one dish, creating a communal, familial atmosphere that the Italians are, of course, famous for. Joe told me that the family comes in the morning to cook all day.

The ambience reminded me of Venice (Ah, Venice...), how they gave me water in glass bottles, the Italian music piping through the speakers, the sounds of conversation and laughter and silverware clinking against the dishes in the vain attempt to get every single bit of sauce into you. It was nonstop bread, wonderful salad (I had all the croutons, Joe found only one for him, I'm a greedy bitch) and the pasta with the red sauce that has made the number three slot in my top favorites. (The first is my mother's sauce, the second is the spaghetti sauce I had in Venice.)

Then came dessert. This was no ordinary dessert. I'd ordered something I'd never heard of before: ice box cake, a graham cracker chocolate pudding thing (this one had vanilla pudding too) that was so wonderful I immediately wanted to ask for the whole thing to take home. And while I really did enjoy it, it was what Joe ordered that truly won my heart. It was, I kid you not, the best cheesecake with blueberry-raspberry sauce I've ever had.

Be sure to check out Carmine's because the food is true Italian everything. No, I don't get free food because I'm promoting them. They really are that good.

As I write this, I'm sitting on Joe's couch, using his laptop, while he, my brother, my sister and her boyfriend wait for me to come join them in playing a dominoes death match, a winner take-all tournament that will end with someone holding back the desperate need to pee because they are laughing so hard.

Rarely, very rarely, do I experience a day of travel to a new place, see some beautiful scenery and art, playing with a new camera, hanging with one of my best friends and spend time with my siblings before going to bed.

I was once told that I have a tendency to hum Christmas music--usually the song "Deck the Halls"--when I'm happy and content. While it doesn't happen often, I was caught doing it again on our way home from Carmine's. Today was so fun and great that there's not a whole lot that could mar my happiness right now.

Fa la la la la la 'Tis the season to be jolly!

Rediscovering the camera

While I did know that I took pictures on my coastal trip (I did take most of them, after all), I have rediscovered my camera in my luggage.

Photography has long been an interest of mine, dating back to when I was a wee lassie who was given a kid camera at the tender age of eight. I'm definitely not the best photographer ever, and I have not a whole lot of talent for it, but I definitely love to play with the shots and see if I can outdo myself.

So to make up for not posting any entries about the trip--because my entries were slashed down to the point of not being worth reading by my wonderful followers :) --I'll post them here. Maybe you'll forgive me? Just a little? PLEASE?
 

This is me being squished in between two of my aunts, who live in California with their families. I know, I don't really look like them, but the family claims that we do have the same blood so whatever. It was great to reconnect with this part of my family, since I haven't seen them in years and I never met some of my cousins. With my aunts, I was able to talk about women stuff and not to be too left out on some of the family activities that required their in-laws and not me.

Stop laughing at my hair. It was windy.

In the house we stayed was this sunroom that faced the Columbia River. Gorgeous sunsets at dinner time. While my little picture doesn't do it justice (especially since I was too busy eating mahi mahi, which is a predatory fish that is delicious when grilled just so and served with a special ginger sauce), at least you get an idea of some of the colors we enjoyed.

You probably recognize this dock as the same from the picture before it. This is because I couldn't resist taking pictures of the dock belonging to the property next to us. Excuse my small obsession.

Females, please respond with the appropriate hysterical laughter.

Okay, okay, it was probably meant to be serious, but still, I got a big chuckle out of this sign. And it's not a horrible shot either.

If I thought Cathlamet and Puget Island views were gorgeous, imagine my ecstasy in going to the beach in Seaside, Oregon. It was so much fun looking through the shops, where I bought my luggage (an African safari themed suitcase and carry-on, all for $30!) and awesome fudge.

Okay, so you know by now that I'm a chocoholic. What you don't know is that there is a very amusing story behind the fudge. You know, beyond the whole Nessa-salivated-until-the-other-tourists-were-swimming-in-the-fudge-shop thing.

There I am, salivating at the various candies and checking out the fudge counter. I'm not paying attention to my own grandmother or my aunts, let alone the guy behind the counter. This explains why I had almost no awareness of the conversation between the four people until my family all pointed at me.

I knew that the guy--who has been dubbed Fudge Boy--was playing up the whole cute-shop thing because he was flirting a tad with my grandmother and aunts. When Fudge Boy asked if anybody was single, they all pointed at me, which of course got my attention (finally). He started flirting with me and was making us and the other customers laugh. I played along and flirted back (just to see if I had any flirtatiousness in me anyway); I told him that if he gave me a nice, big piece of chocolate, I'd give him a kiss.

Fudge Boy immediately cut me a decent-sized piece, handed it to me and puckered up. With everyone laughing and me not wanting to back out of a semi-promise, I pecked his lips and then bit into my chocolate with relish (not the food type).

This so entertained us for the next few hours that when I decided to go back for more fudge (my aunt was taking hers home to California with her) I went ahead and gave Fudge Boy my cell phone number (it was the aunt's idea).

For those of you who are curious, yes, he ended up texting me and we had a semi-date a couple of days later when I was forced to stay an extra few days at Puget Island.

All in all, it was a fun trip. I had new experiences, met some really nice people and ate weird things I normally would have avoided with a cheeseburger and fries.

I'm glad I went, but I'm really looking forward to a planned trip to California in the next few weeks. I've been wanting to see San Francisco for a long time, have new experiences, etc etc.

But I'll let you in on a secret: since I'm more of a hermit than anything else, I'm not entirely sure how to meet new people and, more importantly, how to stay in touch when they become friends. How in the world do I ditch the shyness and let shine the new Nessa?

Just another path towards WW, right? Self-discovery can be a pain in the ass, let me tell you.

Have a Little Faith ... This is Life We're Dealing With Here

What is it about faith that makes us both wise and stupid, often at the same time?

I don't speak of any particular recent incident, though I could mention plenty just within the last few months. I find myself dwelling on it, especially on days when I've just come out of yoga class and someone makes fun of it.

I've been there. I've done that. I even admit to a certain amount of prejudice against certain religions. So I try not to take it personally. I don't follow any religion of any kind. Why should I, when all religions seem to have at least one truth in them? And isn't the point of any religion to find your own connection to God or the world or whatever? Does it even matter?

Yes. Because I have found a certain kind of faith in my new life here in Clarkston, with grandparents who love me enough to let me stay and stuff my face. It's the kind of faith that apparently can only be found after a major, traumatic experience--perhaps many traumatic experiences and no rest in between.

I speak of the faith that I now have in my ability to survive. I can survive just about anything. And now, I find, I can survive the very treacherous journey that I'm about to embark on that will take me to the very depths of whatever is left of my shredded soul, to the very height of pure humanity--both of which might very well kill a lesser person. Like I was even a few weeks ago.

This journey isn't necessarily a physical one. It's the one we all try to take, consciously or not, to find that unnamed, unknowable force that some describe as God, others Allah, still others as themselves. I don't know if I'll find any of those things, though through my yoga practice I tend to believe that I will find the first two already residing within me, as me, as myself. I'm able to quiet my mind, to hunt the stillness until it has no choice but to come to me, weakened.

The yoga teacher I'm currently learning from described the process as the same way you would find something to listen to on the radio. Most everything you find is static until you find the one station that's playing your song. That's what meditation--even yoga--is. Your thoughts are the static, the unnecessary that you've programmed yourself to listen to. Then you find the station that plays that song that speaks to you.

That's what it's kind of like, this meditation and yoga business. That's why Americans flock to India and all that, even when they don't understand it and act like the stupidest tourist. That's why the yoga teachers go over there, to learn from the great ones who don't have to put this process into words. Instead, they show you through the strength of their faith and the calmness and serenity flowing through them that is both annoying and awe-inspiring.

But yoga is not enough. While it's a universally human trait, the process of finding the faith seems to be very personalized and so yoga cannot be the only path that seems worth it to me. As a species, I feel like we've become so detached from each other, the Earth, the other creatures living here, and the "divine" by whatever name you call it that it's a wonder any of us manage to claim to have found God in any form.

I have no answers, though I hope to find a few. I don't want to find them all, ever, because what would be the point after that? What I have found is an inner core, this internal sphere inside me that is quiet, solitary, strong and unknowable. It's the unknowable part, this part I cannot name, that tells me it's somehow divine.

It's kind of like the G-spot, this sphere. Many aren't sure it even exists and probably don't believe it's really there. Until you find it. Then you know, you believe absolutely that it's there because you've felt it, and it is gloriously divine.

I know. I'm supposed to be blogging about my weight loss and my writing. And I'm supposed to have already posted about my coastal trip. But this has been on my mind for the last day or so. Isn't this experiment of mine supposed to take all the pieces of myself I can find and put them together like a puzzle, one that is worth taking the time to figure out and enjoy the work after you're done? And isn't this faith stuff supposed to be one of those human pieces you must face eventually?

Maybe not. But since it's obviously on my mind and now I'm bugging you with it, now it's stuck and I have to face it.

Because this weight loss, my writing, even my little trip are all tests of faith. Are you strong enough, Vanessa, to endure the pure agony and humiliation required to go to the gym every day, face the skinny little boys and girls and show them that you were depressed enough, hurt enough, lazy enough, weak enough, to let yourself get this way? Can you, Vanessa, discipline yourself to write for yourself every day and grab hold of the one driving ambition you've had for your whole life? This travel dream you claim to have, Vanessa, is it a must-do dream, willing to spend the money, the time, the effort, the exacting toll it takes on your sanity, or a little pipe dream that you only wish you could have done when you find yourself on your death bed?

Yes, goddamn it! is what I'd like to scream. I'd love to be able to tell you, whoever you are reading this, that I have all that in me, that I can do that, that I'm worth that, that I'm able to set aside all this self-loathing I've programmed myself with and all this ridiculous second-guessing and overanalyzing bullshit long enough to do these things, and more. I'd love to be able to tell myself, with absolute certainty, that not only do I have the ability, I'm going to do it.

But right now, what I have faith in is my ability to survive. I've survived a lot, though I'm only freaking 23 years old. If I have to survive the death and destruction of all my dreams, then I will. I'll even endure the unendurable pain that will come with it. Of this, I am certain.

Okay, enough with the whining. Now go do it. By writing this, I've shown a hint of life in me. Questa è la vita, now go live it. 

I can't be the only one who feels this way, right?

Gettin' Pruny by Peaches

Okay, I admit: I'm just downright lazy with that editing I'm supposed to be doing on the entries from my trip. They'll be up soon, I promise.

It's just that people keep talking to me. And I was waiting on my bestest best buddy Joe

to hurry up and get here.

He's hanging out with me for the next couple of days here in Clarkston, him and his 6-month-old puppy named Boomer.

So blame Joe, because he kept me waiting for a whole three and a half hours for him to get here. If you know me at all, you know that I have no patience whatsoever. My room is now so organized I feel like someone else lives there.

I did get to peel some peaches tonight for Grandma's peach cobbler (I know--I have no idea how I'm losing weight sometimes). My hands got pretty pruny (get it, prune-y?), but at least I'm learning more about baking. 

So, blame Joe for the fact that my coastal entries aren't up yet. And you can blame him for making me shut down my computer this early because he's been forcing me to look up airline tickets and trips to California and Maui. He's a tyrant, I tell you.

A more interesting blog post tomorrow, you have my word.

It's the Small Things in Life

I apologize for being gone for so long. I have my reasons (potential excuses, yes). I was ill feeling a little under the weather bleeding to death

Ah, hell, I was on the rag and it was the worst cramping I've had in months. With my uterus about to fall out, I just didn't feel like dragging myself upright to type out "please, dear God, if you won't kill me with this, just let the pills I'm taking put me under long enough to sleep through the next few days."

To which God replied, "BWAHAHAHAHA!"

And then I was on that trip to Longview, Puget Island and Seaside, Oregon, and with no internet access, I had to make do with typing out what I would've posted had I been able to.

Too much information? Again, I apologize. Please accept these tokens

to be redeemed at any Nessa-Is-A-Weirdo Gift Shop.

Right now, I should be editing my entries about my trip to what could be termed as as-close-to-the-Pacific-coast-as-I'm-going-to-get-until-a-trip-to-California. Right now, I should be posting them so that the whole world can see how fun it was to get to the other side of the state--a place I haven't been very often and I hope to visit again.

Instead, I find myself being very selfish and focusing solely on only a few things.

Like the fact that I'm currently TWO JEAN SIZES too small for my clothes. :D

Yeah, I'm just a tad ecstatic about that.

I found this out on a small shopping trip in Longview. My grandmother and .... I have no idea what this woman's relation is to me, only that she's the mother-in-law of my aunts, so we'll just call her "A" .... decided to go into Bed, Bath & Beyond for something or other. Not currently owning a bed, bath or any sort of beyond to call my own (and isn't in storage anyway), I delayed going in there after spotting a Lane Bryant clothing store.

I was mostly just passing the time and enjoying the fact that I'd managed to find some time away from people--the store didn't have any customers--when I saw some clothes that seemed to look okay on the hangar. I automatically picked up my usual sizes and went into the dressing room to try 'em out.

I tried on the jeans first. After buttoning on my normal size, they slid right down past my hips and kissed my ankles. A bit dumbfounded, I tried a couple times to make sure I hadn't somehow picked up a pair of jeans that buttoned a weird way (the styles kids where these days, oi). But no, they were just jeans.

With a big grin on my face after realizing that I'd obviously lost enough weight that I didn't need them, I went back out to get the next size down. While they didn't sail past my hips, this size was down to my knees after being buttoned before I could stop them.

I almost never dance in public. But I was close to going out into that store with those jeans around my ankles to not only show them off proudly but also do some serious salsa, bellydancing, a jig, whatever.

You know what really topped off the whole experience? The fact that even the smallest size in the store for shirts and tops didn't fit. Even the smallest shirt I found was just a tad too big.

Yeah, talk about icing on the cake. The cake that I'm not allowed to eat and which I'm now currently craving.

I'm also still going to the gym regularly. Though I have my, ahem, occasions of falling off the eating-healthy-wagon, I still manage to eat in moderation and to go for the vegetables first. 

There's also the whole thing about me writing just for me. While it's still come and go sometimes--and let me tell you, the voices in my head are downright violent and like to argue amongst themselves--at least I can do it.

It may come as a shock to you, but I'm still figuring it out, that whole living-for-yourself thing. For some people, it's so natural it's like breathing. But I can't tell you why I am the way that I am. I can only tell you what I'm going to change and what I'm going to keep.

What I'm going to keep for sure is the feeling that I'm finally heading in the right direction. That feeling that even though you have no idea what life is holding for you next, you're still not only going to come out of it whole but also out on top.

That feeling that I'm finally creating something worth living for.

After the crash and burn of my failed marriage, the terrible conundrum of absolutely loathing with every part of my soul the place I landed after the crash, happiness is a great feeling to have.

Oh, and just because it made me happy: when I came home from everything, Roxy, my adorable cat, was so happy to see me that she insisted on being picked up and not leaving me alone every time I came into my room at Grandma's house. She is currently lying on her back with her paws up in the air, asleep. If I could move to get my camera and take a picture to post, I would, but she'd just wake up and ask me where I thought I was going now that I'm home.